My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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