Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I think I just sharted jello shots
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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