I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
