That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
