I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
