you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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