Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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