I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
