I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
A bitchslap is in order.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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