This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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