Got a toothbrush?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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