The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
