my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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