watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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