i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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