Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
