I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
