So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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