i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
