When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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