I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
