i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
