I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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