OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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