we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
