I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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