I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
