Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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