I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
