My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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