It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
