sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
