All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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