STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
