My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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