I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
