She is in my trunk
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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