I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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