The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
