when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i think i just lost a toe
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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