booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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