Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
