We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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