and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
