I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
