Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well I just put wine in my tea
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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