just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Randomize
