My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
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I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I will pee on everything he values.
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Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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