It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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