If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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