I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
