haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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