My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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