I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
