I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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