she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
