I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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