Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...