Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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