My brain says no but my pants say off.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.