remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.