So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.