it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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