Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
