im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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