Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
