Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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